Life's most expensive commodity

   I am quickly approaching my solo sabbatical time this coming week. This is something I used to do every year for many years. I have been off schedule for a few years, so I'm very excited to get back to it. This time has always been a very clearing and powerful time for me. Although, this year I am more torn about taking it than ever before. Every few months that go by it feels like I am more attached to wanting to be with my family, I find myself wanting that more than anything else. When I think back to not so many years ago I remember when I would talk to Holly about how great it would be when the kids were raised and gone, off doing their own thing, so then Holly and I could do ours. She never seemed as excited about it and I took that to mean that she just didn't understand, like I did, the feeling of freedom and the benefit that would be. All those times she would just smile and say, "OK, we'll see." Well, here I am and all I want to do is have my family around. Even as I plan for my sabbatical, it feels more like a showdown with my self than a much needed and anticipated break. I am having to work very hard in my head to keep my heart on task. I feel like at any moment I could find a reason to bail, like I'm almost looking for a reason to say, "Nope, can't do it."
   It's very strange to see the change from when I was younger and didn't fully understand the value of time; I would even say humbling to recognize my former patterns, my selfishness and reckless abuse of that priceless gift. I can see my incredible lack of regard or respect for what a regimented and relentless taskmaster time can be. I wish I could say that I appreciate every moment and don't waste even a minute of time, but that is not the case.

   Time is one of those things that has to capture you. We all talk about things like "finding time" or "I wish I could catch a break". Somehow we have the notion that time is ours to barter, use, abuse, and waste, as if we have a endless supply. This very thought terrifies me more than anything else. Holly and I were laying in bed together last night and she asked me, "Are you afraid of anything?" "Are guys afraid of anything?" I lay there thinking about it for a decent amount of "time" and realized that the thing  I feared most was being without Holly, being alone. And then it dawned on me, that is completely wrapped up in the uncertainty of time. How much time do I have with her? How much time do I have period? How much time have I wasted and squandered and let slip away, or just plain chose unwisely, that could have been filled with relationship and love with my kids, family and friends? How much time have I allowed to slip through my fingers in my relationship with Jesus?
   So, here I am, sitting on the edge of taking time away from Holly and the kids to be alone with God and I am terrified that it will be a bust; nothing gained, no answers, no closer after than right now. Every single minute seems priceless in the face of being separated from those I want to be with.
   How many things in our life end with "I can't" or "I should" but are derailed by time or fear; either it takes too long or we don't have enough? This makes me wonder, "Is time really the problem or does God give us exactly what we need? This question is too big for this post, maybe I will ponder it and write about it at a later time.
   And so I leap. In the face of a thousand "I can't"s and flying directly in the face of "I should", I'm going. I will not be "should" on by me or anybody else. This is a place I know I can come simply and honestly, no role playing.
   Be praying for me please. The goal is to face myself and encounter God. One thing I know to be true about God and scripture, nowhere in scripture was there a time when someone encountered God and Jesus and they were not profoundly changed.

⁵ “And when you come before God, don’t turn that into a theatrical production either. All these people making a regular show out of their prayers, hoping for stardom! Do you think God sits in a box seat?

⁶ “Here’s what I want you to do: Find a quiet, secluded place so you won’t be tempted to role-play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense his grace.  Matt 6:5-6 (The Message)