The only reason I went to IOSF that year was to hear Brennan speak and because the program said that he would be holding a Q&A after the seminar. This was of the utmost urgency for me, because I had a question that had been burning a hole in me from his book, Lion and Lamb: The Relentless Tenderness of Jesus. In chapter 6, "The Transparent Disciple," Brennan wrote something that absolutely threw me for a complete loop, something that seemed completely scandalous. It made me angry and upset and indignant. I remember feeling this, "how dare he," attitude, to the point that I said to Holly, "I don't think I can read him anymore." I thought maybe he had crossed a line. It took me a few weeks to come back to the book after deciding that I needed to journey through this "scandalous God" and not just run away because it didn't fit my expectations or my understanding of God.
So let's get some things set that we know to be true, before I dive into this
very fringe faith idea.
very fringe faith idea.
- God is Love; 1 John 4:8
- We are created in His image; Genesis 1:27
- The Bible clearly defines 3 different words for love in scripture:
- agape (unconditional, selfless love)
- storge (familial love)
- phileo (brotherly love)
which is not in the Bible, but the idea of eros is:
Song Of Solomon, Hosea and a big collection of the Psalms as well.
Okay, now with that being said...
Okay, now with that being said...
I am at ISOF and Brennan is finishing his teaching in his normal, but heart-rending way; simultaneously crying out for, and powerfully declaring, the ferocious and unquenchable grace of our Abba Father for us. I am anxiously waiting for the Q&A time, when all of sudden, he just finishes. The IOSF staff person enters the stage and says that Brennan will be at the speaker/artist tent for book signings. I was floored, overcome with disappointment, and visibly upset. I stood up and over the noise of the now exiting crowd I spoke out, "Excuse me, excuse me." I yelled for the staff person loud enough that the exiting crowd went quiet. I remember the staff person looking at me, along with everyone else in the venue. I don't remember what he said, but I shared that the event flyer had stated that there was supposed to be a Q&A session at the end of the teaching. "Are we going to do that?" I asked intently. The staff person said that he was not aware of the Q&A time, but that Brennan was scheduled to be at the artist/speaker tent in 5 minutes. I must have looked crushed, because I saw Brennan say something to the staffer and then he made his way out. The staffer came out to me said that Brennan would like to talk to me at the tent. So, I went down and got in line and this is where I got my book signed by Brennan, the one that is in the picture. When I got to the table where he was sitting and signing various items for people, I handed him my book, he signed it, and then said that if I waited for him to finish, he would come and speak with me. So I waited.
We made our way to a picnic table not far from the tent. I remember being so nervous and humbled to be with Brennan. To actually have one-on-one time with the author that had profoundly shaped the way I viewed Jesus and my Abba Father. Someone that taught me to define myself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion, and to live by grace which means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.”
~~~~~~CAUTION!!!: Read this next part at risk of being scandalized ~~~~~~~
Brennan asked me what is was that was on my heart so I told him the story of me reading Lion and Lamb and getting to the part of chapter 6 where he starts to unpack the eros love of God. The sensual aspect of Gods love towards us. I told him that it was incredibly hard for me to envision this being OK, that I could wrap my head around terms like tenderness and ferocious and undomesticated but sensual, i didn't know if I could do it. I told him I read that part of the chapter dozens of times and from that, I knew he was trying to convey something that was above me, that continued to elude me, but that I had an insatiable hunger to understand. I wish I could simply just plagiarize that part of the book, but I cant, so I will encourage you all to find it, buy it, borrow it from me whatever you have to do. Just please don't write me off as a heretic until you read it for yourself.
'But how?' we ask.
Then the voice says, 'They have washed their robes and have made them white in the blood of the Lamb.'
There they are. There *we* are - the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life's tribulations, but through it all clung to faith.
My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace.”
We made our way to a picnic table not far from the tent. I remember being so nervous and humbled to be with Brennan. To actually have one-on-one time with the author that had profoundly shaped the way I viewed Jesus and my Abba Father. Someone that taught me to define myself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion, and to live by grace which means to acknowledge my whole life story, the light side and the dark. In admitting my shadow side I learn who I am and what God's grace means.”
~~~~~~CAUTION!!!: Read this next part at risk of being scandalized ~~~~~~~
Brennan asked me what is was that was on my heart so I told him the story of me reading Lion and Lamb and getting to the part of chapter 6 where he starts to unpack the eros love of God. The sensual aspect of Gods love towards us. I told him that it was incredibly hard for me to envision this being OK, that I could wrap my head around terms like tenderness and ferocious and undomesticated but sensual, i didn't know if I could do it. I told him I read that part of the chapter dozens of times and from that, I knew he was trying to convey something that was above me, that continued to elude me, but that I had an insatiable hunger to understand. I wish I could simply just plagiarize that part of the book, but I cant, so I will encourage you all to find it, buy it, borrow it from me whatever you have to do. Just please don't write me off as a heretic until you read it for yourself.
So in Brennan's grace
and infinite patience with me he broke it down like this; He said
that it was probably so difficult for me to accept this eros as it
pertains to God because our concept of sex and sensuality are completely
intertwined in our culture and that actually they are two radically
different things altogether. That sensuality is a beautiful, romantic, wooing
action of desired closeness and relationship and that sex is simply the
physical gift from God to be shared between husband and wife.
He told me a short story about a time he was
crying out to God in an incredible time of intimacy, God gave
Brennan a new name, a name that was only for him and God to share. He said that
God meant it for him and him alone and that up to that point he (Brennan) had
never shared it with another soul. And then he asked me if I was married, I
said yes. He said that that is the type of relationship that God desires
between Him and us. He said there are things that you say and feelings you feel
and passions you share with your lover that you would never share outside the
confines of your marriage bed. That intimacy shared at that level is
designed for only one lover. Jesus to his bride and us to Him. Isaiah 62:5 God
desires us to meet with Him and expect to be seduced and enraptured by His love
and desire for us. In the midst of Brennan working through
this with me I began to realize that my view of God and my
understanding of Gods love was so infantile and sterilized. So polluted with
dogma and churchianity. That He longed and waited for me to return to Him daily
He longed for me to desire time and intimacy with Him in
the secret place, behind closed doors. A place created for Him and me
to be together, safe from judgement and role-playing.
In the book of Hosea, the marriage theme
is a prominent one not only in chapters 1-3 but in various places in Hosea’s
prophecy. For example, God is portrayed as a jealous husband (2:2-13) due to
the infidelity of his wife Israel (as symbolized by Gomer). Israel has played
the harlot by flirting with pagan idolatry (e.g., 4:10-18; 5:3-4; 6:10; 7:4;
8:4-6, 9; 9:1, 10, 15; 10:5; 11:2, 7; 12:11). Yet God is also portrayed as a
faithful and loving husband who longs for and is willing to forgive Israel
(2:14-3:5; 9:1; 14:4).
As I listened to Brennan speak that day
I don't remember most of teaching except for this one life
changing piece that I have kept with me and shared many times in my
journey “Because salvation is by grace through faith, I believe that
among the countless number of people standing in front of the throne and in
front of the Lamb, dressed in white robes and holding palms in their hands (see
Revelation 7:9), I shall see the prostitute from the Kit-Kat Ranch in Carson
City, Nevada, who tearfully told me that she could find no other employment to
support her two-year-old son. I shall see the woman who had an abortion and is
haunted by guilt and remorse but did the best she could faced with grueling
alternatives; the businessman besieged with debt who sold his integrity in a
series of desperate transactions; the insecure clergyman addicted to being
liked, who never challenged his people from the pulpit and longed for
unconditional love; the sexually abused teen molested by his father and now
selling his body on the street, who, as he falls asleep each night after his
last 'trick', whispers the name of the unknown God he learned about in Sunday
school.
'But how?' we ask.
Then the voice says, 'They have washed their robes and have made them white in the blood of the Lamb.'
There they are. There *we* are - the multitude who so wanted to be faithful, who at times got defeated, soiled by life, and bested by trials, wearing the bloodied garments of life's tribulations, but through it all clung to faith.
My friends, if this is not good news to you, you have never understood the gospel of grace.”
To my long time friend(mostly through the pages of his
writings) and one brief encounter
Thank you for telling the story of your very messy life and
your multiple trips back to lap of your Abba
A young man once asked an old Irish man whose face was
filled with tears as they where walking together "Whats wrong, why
are you crying? The old man simply said "He is very fond of me"
In the journey, Bob
