Dark have been my dreams of late.....
I am truly amazed at the utter lack of understanding I had about my own condition as I am moving towards a year and a half of sabbatical and renewal. I knew in the beginning that I was a mess, but the depths of false teaching, spiritual abuse, doctrinal misinterpretation and outright Dogma that I have unveiled in my life is not even measurable. I know believe that I will probably be strapped with much of this crap for the rest of my life. Much like growing up and saying about our mother or father, "I will never be like them", but realizing that the very thing you said you would never be is ingrained into your very being.
In many areas of life there are no second chances. Raising kids, picking friends when you are young, really dumb decisions, eating street food in Haiti(probably falls under the "really dumb decisions"), dropping acid with your friends at 10 o'clock at night in the woods, list goes on.......Not a lot of redo's.
I foresee generational curses that will take some time and true effort to work out so that my kids kids will experience Jesus and His grace and friendship in a more pure and authentic way, a less polluted way.
I have come to something of an epiphany over the past few years as I talk to the friends in my life now and the friends from my past that have been blessed to re-connect with. I have walked out my faith collecting story after story of spiritual abuse and leadership abuse and used them mostly for my own indignation and "spiritual rants".
What I realized is that I missed so many opportunities to speak grace or be grace. First, I have met with people and "ministered" to people who have been wounded and often offered little more than a agreeing ear or that special form or "spiritual victim support" that we as Christians hide behind.[do so well] Second, I have often chosen not to confront the abusers. Whether it be because I was chicken at the time or because I just didn't care enough to engage in the battle. Either way, shame on me.
Please don't get me wrong I have not done this with malice of fore-though as is true with most of us, but with a seriously under developed or uneducated ignorance to the unbelievable damage and pain of this misused tool called "spiritual authority".
For those of you in a position of leadership; As a "minister", when your first thought or action in a conflict or crisis is to "investigate and adjudicate" there is a problem!
For those of you who have been wounded and are wounded and for those who find them selves under this tyranny PLEASE remember,
John 8:36New International Version (NIV)
36 So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
